I’m an average guy living in a completely boring town where nothing ever happens, but that’s actually the suburb of a major city where so many interestingly insane things happen that it’s pretty much impossible to keep up (though I try to anyway). I’m white, but I used to be black years ago, and a partial part of life is a neverending quest to recapture that sensibility back. I work at what’s essentially a help desk slavery position, though it does have the added benefit of being in support of an extraterrestrial conspiracy. I’m hopelessly single, so I’m perpetually seeking a warm-blooded or fiber-optic lonely heart to share my life with. I think of myself as young even though I pop enough pills and lose enough hair to give off the opposite impression – thank Goddess my face is there to reveal the truth. And, yes, I believe in a higher power that’s female, keeps a good eye on us and has the upstairs prepared just the way we want it whenever we want to make the move up there – and I believe that’s all one needs to believe.

Personal lords & masters: George Carlin, Chris Jericho, Dave Matthews
Favorite films: The Shawshank Redemption, The Truman Show, Pan’s Labyrinth
Dream destinations: Italy, Red Rocks, the Patagonia
Things to learn how to do: Perform stand up, speak Latin, play harmonica
Ms. Right is: Authentic, attractive and affectionate
TV I want back: Angel, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Murder in Small Town X
Goals in life: A family, continued contentment, onstage appearance at Oscars